Freedom Within Limits

Freedom within Limits 

Holidays, birthdays, celebrations, and, the list goes on. So much excitement for us and our kiddos, it’s hard to contain it all! As we all prepare for the coming weeks, I’m certain we’ve all been in a situation where you’re at the store and you observe another mother struggling (we’ve ALL been there!). Maybe, the kiddos had difficulty listening or were not in control of their bodies or maybe you were trying to carry the baby and push the cart at the same time and somehow each interaction becomes stress ridden, for everyone. Often times, in the “heat of the moment”, in all of our interactions, we FORGET to set the expectations and instead proceed to become increasingly frustrated (physically, emotionally, and or verbally) by our children’s “misbehaviors”.  Believe me when I say, your child will RESPECT you if you stay true to yourself and voice your expectations (or preferences). When a child realizes they can “walk all over you,” they may lose respect for you, not value your opinion or expectations, and “act out” in an effort to further “get their way.” If the child realizes you mean what you say because you show that you are serious, then, they will likely decrease their “button pushing” behavior.

Power Moves

Children get the freedom we provide. Children choose from the choices they are given. 

Children find power through the available choices.

Children expect us to follow-through on the choices provided.

Children depend on us to support them, even as they deal with challenges and feel unsettled.

3 Steps to Successfully Bring the Kiddos!

• Set the stage

• Be reasonable

• Do not waver

Bring the Kiddos

Most children love going into the store (grocery store, toy store, pharmacy, etc.) to see all of the merchandise displayed and have a keen way of focusing in on something they “HAVE TO HAVE”. I am always thinking of ways to include my kiddos in the process, so they feel involved and valued. Interestingly enough, it doesn’t take “too much” to include the child in the process because a component that may seem small or trivial to us, may feel important and big to the child. Sometimes, I turn trips to the store into a game and we try and find all of the items on the list, we play “I spy” or other similar guessing games. Other times, we find the item on the list and I provide the child with a few (limited) options. For example, “we need one box of cereal, should we try this one or that one?” Curious to know what else you can do to help your kiddo through the experience with fewer outbursts and even outbursts that are shorter in duration? Keep reading!

Set the Stage:

Before going into a store, “When we go into the store, you will stay close to me, use an inside voice, and walking feet. You may choose 1 item (could be candy or a toy, you decide and direct) to buy and bring home, I have $1 for you. Would you like to hold it or should I keep it for you? If you cannot control your body, we will leave the store and you will not be able to choose an item to buy.” (AND, stand your ground, don’t back down). 

Be Reasonable: 

If you do not want the child to select candy, then, don’t make candy an option. Don’t force yourself into a struggle or a negotiation over candy, just reiterate your expectation: “you have $1 and you can choose one toy from here”. As you are looking for your items from your list, perhaps the child can assist; make it a game. As you approach the toys that $1 or less, be sure to share, “Here are the items that you can choose from today. Do you want one of these or one of those?”

Do Not Waver: 

As you are in the store, you may notice the child starts to feel excited, overwhelmed, and or impatient.  Verbally recognize the child’s behavior.

• “I can tell you’re feeling excited, but, we are inside and you must walk. This is your only reminder (or warning).”

• “We need to find two more items from our list, then, we’ll find a toy for you!”

• “Remember, if you cannot control your body, we will leave the store and you will not be able to choose an item to buy.”

What is “Reasonable”?

Saying yes, doesn’t mean “giving a mile”. It means identifying what can be “a yes”, but within reason. Reasonable means available, possible, and also an acceptable option. For example, enjoying fruit with whipped cream for breakfast may meet all three specifications for what is reasonable; however, eating birthday cake with whipped cream may fall short in the “acceptable” scale within your house. 

Parameters: Thoughts vs. Realities

The expectations that you set are all based on an evaluation of thoughts and realities. Our kiddos have all kinds of thoughts about all types of things. It’s our job to help by develop the framework through establishing “norms”.

10 Practical Examples:

1.Sweet Treat

Child’s Request/Action: “I want ice cream!”

Adult’s Initial Thought: “Yes, you can have ice cream.”

Modified Verbal Exchange: “Yes, would you like 1 scoop of vanilla or strawberry?” (2 flavors that you have readily available) or “Here’s your ice cream” (provide 1 scoop, an amount that you would feel comfortable if your child consumed it all). 

2.Playing with a Stick

Child’s Request/Action: “I want to run with a stick!” (or the child casually picks up a stick and starts running)

Adult’s Initial Thought: “No, you cannot pick up a stick.” Or “Put that stick down.” This doesn’t mean that your child can pick up a stick that five feet long, as big as an orange around, and drag it in the street, while crossing the road. And, it doesn’t mean swinging the stick around with other people close.

Modified Verbal Exchange: “Yes, let’s find a stick that’s shorter than your forearm. You can tap it on the sidewalk while we walk or hold it in your hand.”

3. Bringing Toys

Child’s Request/Action: The child is ready to leave the house with an armful of random toys. “I want to bring allll of these toys with us today!”

Adult’s Initial Thought: “No, you’re not leaving the house with all of those things!”

Modified Verbal Exchange: “Yes, you can choose a few items to bring with you today, Choose TWO.”

4. More Sweet Treats

Child’s Request/Action: Right before lunchtime, your child demands to eat gummy fruit snacks and some sugary cereal.

Adult’s Initial Thought: “You’re not eating that now” or “Put those things away.”

Modified Verbal Exchange: “I can tell that you’re hungry right now, so, lets wash our hands for lunch. You can enjoy those gummy fruit snacks after you eat your lunch. Let’s save that cereal for the weekend.”

5. Bath Time 

Child’s Request/Action: The child is enjoying bath time and is refusing to get out of the tub. “I’m not done, so, don’t let the water out!”

Adult’s Initial Thought: “You are getting out of the tub now!” 

Modified Verbal Exchange: “It seems like you’re enjoying your bath tonight. It’s almost time to get out of the tub. You can play for two more minutes or three more minutes, which do you choose? (child responds) Great, then I’ll set a timer, then, it will be time to let out the water and put the bath toys away.”

6. Bedtime Books

Child’s Request/Action: The child has selected a whole stack of books to look at tonight. “I want to look at all of these!”

Adult’s Initial Thought: “Put those books away, get in bed!” 

Modified Verbal Exchange: “Wow, I can tell that you are excited and that you chose a lot of books. Let’s take a look at three books together. Which three would you like to look at tonight?”

7. Pacifier 

Child’s Request/Action: It’s time to play and your child is shouting, “I want my paci!”

Adult’s Initial Thought: “Be quiet!”

Modified Verbal Exchange: “I hear you saying you want your paci, but your pacifier is only for bedtime, are you tired? (child responds) Great, then, let’s go to your room, so you can rest with your paci.”

8. Screen Time

Child’s Request/Action: It’s the weekend and the weather isn’t great, so you’re child says, “I’m going watch a movie!” The trouble, it’s already 7 p.m. and watching a movie isn’t in the cards.

Adult’s Initial Thought: “You’re not watching anything, it’s too late.”

Modified Verbal Exchange: “I heard you say that you’re interested in watching a movie. It’s a little late to watch a whole movie. You can watch part of a movie tonight and the rest tomorrow or tonight, you can watch one show” (approximately 25 minutes).

9. Coat 

Child’s Request/Action: It’s cold outside, but it’s warm inside, so the child says, “I’m not wearing a coat!”

Adult’s Initial Thought: “You’re not leaving this house without a coat on!”

Modified Verbal Exchange: “Seems like you’re feeling warm right now, while you’re inside. Let’s open the window and see if it feels cool…” or “Seems like you’re feeling warm right now, while you’re inside, let’s check the weather and see what’s the temperature outside.” Or “Let’s put on a warm sweatshirt, your hat, and mittens, and we’ll take your coat with us, just in case you get cold.”

10. Hugging a Sibling

Child’s Request/Action: The child is (sometimes) excited about having a younger sibling and at times shows excitement by squeezing the other child (ahem, hugging).

Adult’s Initial Thought: “Get off of your brother!”

Modified Verbal Exchange: “Gentle! I can tell that you love your brother, but you need to remember that he’s smaller than you. You may hug him gently. May I hug you gently?...See I hug you around your shoulder (not your neck) because that is safe.”

Usually, the answer is not “no”, it’s actually “not right now” or “not in this specific space”, so it’s a matter of telling the child WHEN and WHERE they can do the activity they have in mind. The basis of this approach is the child feels they have freedom to do the activity, however, the activity is done under the parameters you, the adult have set on the child’s behalf. Just when you think you’re powerless or you feel your power slipping, remember to make power moves because you have THE ULTIMATE POWER when it comes to these “tiny” (being relative) humans. 

Ready to make some changes and want some support!? Contact Stacey to set up a consultation! Reach out by e-mail: info@homedayhero.com