Challenging Misconceptions
Challenging Misconceptions
Facing Truth
As adults, we have experiences, beliefs, concerns, and awareness. For children, they are just developing these aspects of their thought processing and problem solving. From a very young age, children are able to sort and categorize information based upon basic characteristics. Often, the categorization they complete is unbiased and solely based in a general, “uneducated” manner. Not to say that our children are uneducated, but at times their conclusions are based in very little fact or with a lack of understanding. As children grow and learn, they further develop their ability to deepen their understanding of the outside world, their reasoning abilities increase, their problem-solving skills sharpen, and their ability to further understand other perspectives also improves. With all of this in mind, here are three common misconceptions that parents must face. These misconceptions speak to the insecurities within our children and within ourselves.
“ ‘I want’ vs. ‘I need’ are THE SAME!“
“Waiting is HARD, I can’t!”
“If I Say ‘No’ to my Child, They Won’t Love Me...”
‘ “I want” vs. “I need” are THE SAME!" ‘
Children often times have the belief that want and need are the same, but, as adults, we know this is not true. “I want” is something that you desire to have, while “I need” is something that you must have in order to for one of your basic human needs to be met: food, water, shelter, safety, clothing, etc. Think about Maslow and his hierarchy of needs at the lower levels: food, clothing, shelter, sense of belonging, etc. When a child tells me “I need (fill in the blank)” it is important for the child to understand what is actually needed in a situation vs. what is desired or wanted. For example, for lunch, my daughter usually has a protein (as a main course), a fruit, a vegetable, and some type of carbohydrate. If my daughter requests more than one of any of the four components, we revisit if she will select one or the other, such as pea pods or carrots? Strawberries or blueberries? If she determines that she “needs“ both, pea pods and carrots or strawberries and blueberries. I share “you do not ‘need’ both, you want both.” Then, the conversation is “will you have two pea pods and three carrots or three pea pods and two carrots?” (instead of five pea pods or five carrots). The same conversation exists for the berries. This is all about COMPROMISE AND COMMUNICATION. It is not always easy to compromise; however, it is important to pick your “battles” wisely. Some “debates” are not worth having and by offering a few choices that involve compromise, you out the child in a good situation. This leads to my next point, what kind of creative thinking can we do, as adults, to get the child a “yes”? How can we “get to the yes” without negotiating too much, while purposefully and thoughtfully offering two “good” and viable options? Another alternative would be to provide one of the requested fruits today and the other for the day thereafter: “I hear you want both, strawberries and blueberries, let’s pack 3 strawberries in one bag and ten blueberries in the other bag; which bag will you take tomorrow? Great, then this other bag of fruit will be for the next day.” With practice, this type of acknowledgment and redirection will become easier, even second nature, for everyone!
2”Waiting is HARD, I can’t!”
When a child shouts, “I’m waiting!” or “This is taking forever” or some variation thereof, I provide a selection from the content below:
“We all take turns waiting. Sometimes we have to wait, sometimes we don’t.”
“Sometimes, it is my turn to wait for you, while other times you must wait for my attention.”
“During times when you feel like you are waiting, think to yourself what can I do right now to help myself?”
Consider adding:
“For example, some days you really want me to put on your socks, but I am putting a new diaper and clothes on the baby. He cannot put a new diaper and clothes on himself, because he does not yet know how. You, however, can put your socks on yourself.”
Sometimes, I even add:
“You are choosing to wait for me, when you could put on your shirt or pants, while you wait for my attention; which will you put on first?”
At times, rephrasing what is obvious brings direct attention to behaviors that can or need to be modified. Other times, the focused commentary may encourage the child to problem solve through the situation. The key in these situations is patience, as the child has a strong desire for your attention and often, your approval. Children will make demands of your time, even for activities for which they do not actually “need” help, so “packing your patience” is important and taking some deep breaths can also feel helpful. I love building up the kiddos confidence when I observe them completing tasks independently, trying to practice an activity, problem solving through a situation, and when they help each other.
It sounds like this:
“I saw you get dressed on your own this morning!”
“You were able to choose your own shirt today!”
“Zipping a coat is tricky, I can tell you’ve been practicing.”
“You worked really hard to put on your shoes and you were able to help your brother.”
“I wasn’t available to help and you figured out a way to choose a spoon and bowl to enjoy your breakfast!”
The more a child practicing completing a task, the more their skills improve and the better they feel about themselves and their abilities. Observing the growth within a child by way of their skills and abilities in an incredible thing to see over time! Further, when a child feels a confidence boost, they commonly display an increase in their ability to complete tasks independently and the inner will and desire to help others! Imagine, less waiting time!? Win-win!
3”If I Say ‘No’ to my Child, They Won’t Love Me”
There is a widespread belief that if I use the word “no” with my child, then, it will cause some sort of negative or adverse effect on them. How can this be true? I am not suggesting that you yell “no“ at your child, but I am suggesting that you establish limits and you implement them as consistently as possible. If the rule is: treat day is on Friday, then “on Friday you may select a treat from the market.” If the child asks, “why?”, the best finite response is: “that’s the rule”. If you go into the market on a different day and allow the child to select a treat, but did not designate that treat as the one you will enjoy on Friday, the child may begin to think that each time they go into this market, they will be allowed to select a treat; however, this may not be true and also not possible. As the adult, we must set the guidelines and uphold a standard, whatever standard is set. If my child insists on selecting a treat on a different day, before the treat is purchased, the conversation surrounding the treat will go like this: “if you would like me to buy this treat today, we may, but this will be your treat for Friday”. Then, if needed, I add: “If you ask me about this treat or you insist upon enjoying this treat before Friday, then you will not get this treat or any other treat on Friday”. I usually provide one warning, so, if the next day she says “can I have my treat today?” I will simply respond: “No, this is the one time that I will answer this question, today is not Friday and the treat that you chose at the market will be for tomorrow, Friday”. You see, it is important to understand how to get to the yes, but it may involve setting PARAMETERS regarding something not being able to happen at a different time. Other times, I may respond by saying: “yes, you may enjoy the treat on Friday; which is tomorrow. Do not ask me about this treat again”. Each household is different and it’s important to recognize the needs of your family and judge for yourself what is feasible and or acceptable. Regardless, you’ll need to BE THE VELVET HAMMER, maintaining a kind and firm demeanor, particularly in challenging situations.
As the “old” saying goes: “It Takes a Village”
Through it all, know that raising kiddos isn’t easy and it definitely “takes a village”. Do you have a village? Who or what is your support system? Regardless of your answer, know that YOU can build a village! And, if needed YOU can you find a village! A village doesn’t need to be “big”, instead, it needs to feel comfortable; as though you are in a supportive relationship with others that can lift you up, provide a sounding board and some support; even in the most challenging situations. All the while, know that “the real trick” is to have faith in yourself and do your best to focus on ONE area of challenge (change) at a time. KNOW, YOU GOT THIS!
Interested in facing some of these commonly challenging misconceptions? Want help approaching these misconceptions in a “Montessori” manner that respects the child’s position? Contact Stacey: info@homedayhero.com