Freedom Within Limits
The Cry for Independence
Do you feel like you’re constantly “fighting” with your child? Disagreeing on everything or feeling the tugs of power struggles!? THIS is your child’s cry for power. WHAT can you do to turn over some power in a way that you can get behind and feel good about supporting?
3 Questions to Ask Yourself
What does my child actually want?
Is the request reasonable and available?
What alternatives can I reasonably offer?
How to Address These Questions
1.What does my child actually want?
Is your child whining about something? Is your child hunger, thirsty, tired, or need to use the bathroom? Sometimes, children report “I’m full”, but really they mean, “I want dessert”. Therefore, it’s worth asking, “what is it that you’re thinking of eating next?” Or “do you see something else that you wanted to eat?” By asking these types of questions, you identify “the real” desires that will help you know how to best respond.
2.Is the request reasonable? Available?
Often, children have unreasonable requests, so, how can you take the requests they make and reshape them, so they are more reasonable and befitting for the situation(s) at hand? One BIG debate and power struggle in our house is about the consumption of candy. As a result, every Friday, we have “treat day” and our daughter chooses what the treat will be, within reason. We often discuss appropriate options the day prior. And, over the weekend, we usually have more sweets because of birthdays, festivals, sporting events, and other celebrations. During the week, we still enjoy dessert, but it’s usually fruit, yogurt, whole grain biscuits, or pressed fruit etc. If our daughter inquires about eating candy on another day, we reiterate, “that’s a great option for treat day, would you like to set that aside for Friday after school?” She knows she will get to enjoy the treat, but not right now. If she presses on about enjoying this treat now, she risks losing the opportunity for treat day that week. NEWSFLASH, she practically never risks treat day! Happy Friday, ya’ll!
3.What alternatives can I reasonably offer?
When a child requests something that isn’t feasible, I tend to defer. So, if my daughter says, “I wanted a granola bar, but there are none left”. I usually respond, “thank you for letting me know, should we add it to the grocery list?” I acknowledged her interest and provided a solution. If she throws a fit about the granola bar not being available, I usually share: “if you’re going to get this upset about the granola bars, then, perhaps, they shouldn’t be on the grocery list”. This usually puts an end to that outburst. A SIGH of relief.
Ultimate vs. Perceived Power
People hear “freedom within limits” and think they’re losing all of their power, not the case, you’re actually gaining more power AND providing the child with “perceived” power. When you provide a child with a choice, you’re offering two (hero) approved options, meaning both options are good options: ones that you support, can provide or fulfill, and those the child with happily select. Wondering what this looks like!? If it’s dinner time and you’d like to offer a fruit and a vegetable, you’ll identify choices to offer from what’s available. “Would you like sliced peppers or rainbow carrots?” Wait for a response. “Would you like sliced apple or mango?” Wait for a response.
The child decides to choose!
Your response: “Great choice” OR “Thank you for making a choice”
The child does not want to choose!
Your response: “You’ll be ready to play with your blocks (or whatever activity the child wanted) after you choose your fruit and vegetable” OR “I could use some help washing fruits and vegetables, what should we wash first?” OR “You can choose or I can choose for you”
These examples are simple, but perfect because they showcase how power can be “transferred”, but really, YOU hold the power and you are extending the opportunity to the child. Even in the situation where the child doesn’t have interest in choosing, you can engage them by determining a “point of interest”. What is a “point of interest”? It is a component that draws the child into an activity and captures their attention. For some children, it’s the idea of having a turn, for others, it could be rinsing with water, selecting a bowl, squeezing a sponge, using a step stool, etc. Each child has different interests, so playing upon those interests, helps the child connect and actively engage in the activity. Usually because the child gets to choose and they feel like they have “WON”! And, for you, power struggle averted, way to use your hero powers!
Independent Snacking
Speaking of reducing power struggles, what if limited snack options were easily available for the child to obtain independently!? People are often surprised, when I share that my six-month-old was interested in feeding himself and that sometimes my almost four-year-old likes to make different kinds of sandwiches. Just imagine, there is a drawer (or shelf or basket) in the kitchen that is low and easy to access. In the drawer there are a limited number of items, but all of the items are considered “good” choices. So, if my daughter says, “I am hungry for a snack”, then, I can respond, “choose something from the bin in your snack drawer. Other times, she might say I would really like some dessert, then, I might say, “you may choose something from your treat bag”. This bag is located outside of the drawer. At other times she might say, “I finished my breakfast, but I am still hungry”, so, I might say, “choose something from your drawer, but outside the bin”. The food in the drawer is somewhat categorized: snack foods versus breakfast foods. As you can imagine, cookies, crackers, trail mix are all considered more snack foods: whereas, more breakfast like foods would be: cereals, protein bars, yogurt drops, and dehydrated fruit. She is always so proud of yourself, when she is able to choose an appropriate snack or prepare a snack for herself or add a component to the family meal. She loves to complete activities, such as peeling egg, spreading butter or jam or cream cheese on bread or crackers, slicing fruits and vegetables, spreading cheese, and mixing ingredients together.
Montessori Highlight
For those not familiar with Montessori education, one of the most interesting things about a Montessori classroom is that the shelves are low and open to the children. What does this mean? The activities that the child can see and those within the child’s reach, are acceptable options. This type of environment provides the child with opportunities to explore and choose without putting themselves in harms’ way or danger and also provides a “yes space“, by this, I mean the activities available our great options. If someone were to say can I play with us? The answer would be yes. By providing children with some sort of shelf or closet or counter or room that is dedicated specifically to objects that are designed specifically for them, it allows the child to really choose and decreases the opportunities for power struggles.
Appropriate Power
Now, you have a choice, how will you offer your child some power? Knowing that choice is power and many children need that freedom (within limits) to help them take ownership of their choices and display pride and engagement in situations, as they present themselves each day. Learning how to provide appropriate choices will improve your child’s ability to comply, reduce your stress level, and improve your relationship with your child; another win-win!
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